4 ways to be a little kinder to yourself
Self-compassion is IN, self-criticism is OUT
Society provides no shortage of reasons to berate ourselves; to criticize every fault, flaw, and failure with levels of contempt we wouldn’t dare convey to anyone else.
Beauty ads convince us that we’re only worthy if we fit a certain ideal; if we somehow manage to evade the inevitable effects of aging. Social media posts flood us with inescapable spirals of inadequacy: Look how much more wealthy/popular/well-traveled/[insert your trigger adjective here] she is.
Our cultural norms instill us with fear, making us feel guilty and ashamed for deviating from what’s expected of us, even if it’s ultimately the best choice. (“But what will other people think?!”)
It’s easy to see why taking a kinder, gentler approach to ourselves can seem radical. Selfish even. After all, many of the institutions in our society make billions off of our compliance to self-sacrifice. (As evidenced by our overwhelmingly overworked and underpaid labor force.)
By buying into the narrative that we can achieve fulfillment once we meet XYZ criteria, we hold ourselves back from accepting who we are now, imperfections and all.
I’ve found myself in many of these patterns, clinging to arbitrarily set goals and berating myself for falling short.
But as I’ve taken more time to reflect, I’ve realized the most important goal of all: self-compassion. Because really, none of the other goals matter if a strong core of self-acceptance is in place. And I’d even say that many of these trivial goals run counter to self-compassion — they tie our innate value to forces beyond ourselves; to irrelevant metrics, when what really matters is how at ease we feel in our own skin.
I’m still very much a work in progress, and have a lot to uncover, but these four practices have been staples in my own mental health journey. I hope they guide you in the direction of greater self-compassion, as well.
1. Write yourself a love letter
Okay, yeah, I know… I can see you rolling your eyes. What?! How self-indulgent! I don’t have time for such antics. Bear with me, though!
We’re led to believe that love letters should always come from someone else — a friend, an admirer, a partner. But there’s something incredibly empowering about writing a love letter to you, from you.
I came across this practice in
, where the esteemed author shares her decades-long practice of writing herself a love letter each morning. Reading them, you can sense how they come from a deeply nurturing, nonjudgmental part of herself. The majority of us don’t learn how to hold space for our struggles and insecurities in this manner. If we did, I believe the world would be a much more kind and understanding place.Though I don’t have a daily “Letter From Love” ritual, I have been writing Morning Pages for about a month now (as part of The Artist’s Way, which I'll be sharing more about in the future). When I’m feeling particularly harsh on myself, I’ll write myself a love letter.
I’ll admit that it feels a bit really awkward at first. But once you get into it, you realize how freeing it is to give yourself the validation and support that you’re used to receiving (or, in many cases, not receiving) externally.
These letters have been cathartic for me, and have imparted an important lesson: the majority of the time, I’m standing in my own way when it comes to receiving love.
2. Look at photos of your younger self
Think of the nastiest, most self-condemning thing you’ve said to yourself recently. Now, imagine saying those same words to the child version of you. Suddenly the words become… mean. (Like… cry your eyes dry in a corner mean.)
I came across this tip last year, which was shared by Dr. Nina Polyné in a Wondermind article. It’s stuck with me since, and I’ve been looking at old photos a lot more often.
When I look at these pictures, I feel nostalgic for simpler days, but I also want to time travel and tell my younger self that it’ll all be okay. To not worry so much; to truly savor the fun and quality moments with those who are no longer around.
Looking through old photos also reminds me that my younger self would be proud to see what I’ve overcome and achieved. I may not have hit all the milestones I once expected, but I’ve still had experiences and friendships that I’ll cherish for a lifetime. And I’ve become a more resilient and well-rounded person than I could’ve ever imagined.
At the end of the day, I think we’re all just kids disguised as adults, trying to figure out this confusing web of grown-up-hood. We have a lot on our plates, so many unforeseen challenges and struggles that we must adapt to. We need to cut ourselves much more slack.
Keep photos of younger you nearby and look through them when you feel that self-criticism spiral starting to simmer. As the author of the aforementioned Wondermind article says, “The next time you’re talking down to or criticizing yourself, imagine what you’d say to 5-year-old you. Flexing that self-compassion muscle feels good.”
3. Keep a “ta-da” list
I’ve been unhealthily tethered to my “to-do” lists for the past several years. Though I find it helpful to keep track of tasks and obligations, these lists often remind me of where I’ve fallen short. And they also perpetuate productivity guilt.
“Ta-da” lists have been pivotal in undoing a lot of my overachieving tendencies.
I started this practice in 2019, after learning about it through a neuroplasticity program I’d joined. It’s become quite widespread, gaining traction in outlets including Forbes and ADDitude Magazine.
The idea is to list down everything you accomplished at the end of a day (or week, or month, or whatever cadence works for you). Most often, you’ll realize you did way more than you initially believed. And it feels good to honor that!
Nearly every day, unless I’m unwell or traveling or out late for whatever reason, I’ve stuck with my ta-da list practice. I’m a big believer in the “where attention goes, energy flows” idea, and it’s helped rewire my brain to focus more intentionally on what’s gone well. Although I’m still prone to demanding too much of myself, I know it’s helped me end the day on a positive note.
The “ta-da” list also allows me to acknowledge little wins on an otherwise difficult day. Even if it’s just catching up with dishes or doing the laundry, every little action counts.
4. Make amends
I’ve done a lot of things that I’m not proud of. From the college binge drinking days to staying in toxic relationships (and everything else that would take too long to mention), I’m still working through a fair amount of shame, guilt, and feelings of self-betrayal.
One reminder that’s helped me gradually detach from the heavy emotions is the fact that I didn’t have the healthy coping mechanisms then that I do now. I was doing the best I could, with the parameters I had. And the same goes for you, whatever your wounds may be.
Ultimately, seeing these issues through the lens of remorse, anger, or regret isn’t pleasant. But it attests to how much you’ve grown, and how much you want to change — how much you have changed. It’s part of the path to becoming the strongest, most self-assured version of yourself.
A few years ago, a yoga instructor of mine shared an indigenous Hawaiian practice known as ho‘oponopono. (This Psychology Today article wonderfully explains the origins and benefits.) She had us repeat the following to ourselves: “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.”
As with the love letter, saying these words felt quite uncomfortable at first. But I found that with repetition, and by actually feeling into them, I’ve been able to experience many of the emotions I’d gotten used to burying, and slowly forgive myself for past actions.
The self-forgiveness process has been the most challenging of the four I’ve discussed here, but it’s also bringing a lot of healing and increased acceptance. Ultimately, forgiveness — like many worthwhile endeavors in life — takes time and patience.
You Deserve Your Own Kindness
Once we start treating ourselves with compassion, we can more genuinely be kind to others. And we teach not only ourselves, but those around us, that self-compassion isn’t selfish or egotistical, but a necessity in an increasingly unpredictable world.
Of course, I am not a mental health professional, and none of the above is meant to serve as a stand-in for proper treatments of any sort. Also, these are all practices that have helped me alongside therapy. And I see them as lifelong lifestyle habits, not one-and-done exercises.
Self-compassion is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves. Its payoffs are immense and all-encompassing; its rewards are lifelong and capable of continuing as our legacy.
In the words of the revered Thích Nhất Hạnh: “If we take good care of ourselves, we help everyone… we become a reservoir of joy and freshness."
Until next time,
Brina
🌹Reflection
In what ways have you been hard on yourself or excessively critical? How can you show yourself self-compassion today, even in a small way?
🎨 Creativity Corner
Song: “Spotlight” by Gucci Mane & Usher (can’t wait to watch his Super Bowl Halftime performance)
Article: It’s 2024, and Being Cringe Is the New Cool (Promise) — Well+Good
Docuseries: Beckham (I’m not a football/soccer fan by any means, but I am a sucker for serendipitous love stories; this intriguing documentary delves deep into David’s career while sharing the difficulties he and Victoria faced along the way)
Substack read: “Chapter 15: The Meaning of Marriage” by
(in this piece from her memoir, Monica eloquently and candidly speaks to the pressures many women face when it comes to marriage)
🐶 Prem’s Take on Self-Compassion
“I think self-compassion can also look like burying your head into a pillow and screaming for 30 seconds if you need to. No shame. You do you.” — Prem
Brina, I literally ripped through this! I really needed to read it today. The love letter idea resonated as I’ve never done that before but it’s so easy to focus on the negatives! Will share far and wide 🧡
Hello, fellow Fresnan! My therapist pointed out a few weeks ago that I need to practice self-compassion. You have given me concrete ways to do so. Thanks!