You're not behind in life 👣
Why arbitrary timelines hold us back — and how to let go of them
The Renaissance-era Italian sculptor, Michelangelo, once said, "I am still learning." To be clear, he didn't make this statement at the pinnacle of his career, after proving himself as a revered polymath many times over.
No, no — he spoke these words at the ripe age of 87.
Though it's been well over 400 years since Michelangelo's remark, the undertones of his words remain relevant.
In today's society, we have all these implicit milestones: graduate high school, complete college, get a job, find a partner, get married, buy a home, have kids, and so on.
Many of us start roughly planning out our lives in our teens (or even sooner) using these milestones as a guideline. For instance, when I was 16, I had my "perfect" life planned out. I'd finish college, marry someone I'd met in college, have my first kid at 23 (then two more by 30), and somehow simultaneously finish medical school. 😵
Yeah, not the most thought-out. And it goes without saying that I deviated from that timeline quite a bit. (Definitely for the better!)
I think we make these timelines for two main reasons. First, we crave an element of certainty — it's ingrained into our nature. Giving ourselves these "deadlines" temporarily alleviates the fear of the unknown; it allows us to feel as if we're in control.
Also, we like to fit in. Even the self-proclaimed rebels among us, to some degree, want to maintain social cohesion. Hitting these milestones alongside everyone else keeps us from feeling like outsiders.
But, as you've likely experienced, these milestones also hold us back. A lot. Prospectively, they place a lot of pressure on us. We feel crunched for time and might make rash decisions or sacrifice our own happiness to fit in. Retrospectively, we may feel regret or inadequacy. If we see others our age — or even younger — achieving what we "should" have by now, we can fall into a cycle of self-doubt and shame.
It's important to always return to the fact, though, that these timelines are all arbitrary. There's no universal law or form of punishment ready to berate us if we don't measure up to where we're "supposed" to be by a certain time. Life will go on.
So, how can we maintain perspective when those feelings of being behind inevitably creep up?
1. Embrace your unique experience. A famous line in the Bhagavad Gitagoes: “It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection.” Whenever I find myself caught up in FOMO or trying to emulate someone else's lifestyle, I always think back to these words. It's easy to find faults in our own lives when we see others amassing accolades and showcasing their fun all over social media. But we rob ourselves of the one true life we have — our own — when we make these unfair comparisons. Though things may not turn out the way we expected them to (they seldom do!), our own journey is full of precious lessons and moments that have shaped us into who we are today.
2. Look to role models. There are plenty of people who haven't lived "traditional" lives, yet still went on to make a profound impact on the world. Your own role models will vary, but I like to think of Frida Kahlo. A horrific accident at 18 took away her dreams of becoming a doctor. Kahlo, bedridden for much of her life, instead turned to painting as a form of advocacy and self-expression. Even though she didn't save lives in the operating room, she still had a positive impact on many fellow artists, and her legacy carries on today. Furthermore, we have plenty of examples of "late bloomers" to look to, as well. For instance, Toni Morrison, the Nobel and Pulitzer Prize-winning author, published her first novel, The Bluest Eye, at 40. (Here's a list of 29 other people who became successful much later in life.)
3. Remember that even the most "successful" people have insecurities. It's easy to fall into the "if only" trap — that is, telling ourselves "if only I had [X], I'd be happy." We assume that once we achieve a certain milestone, all of our worries and insecurities will melt away. But of course, this isn't true. Even those we perceive as "having it all" have their own challenges. We only see the good side of their story and fail to see the stress, the loneliness, and the sacrifices they undertake to be where they are.
So, the next time you start feeling like you're behind in life, remember that we're not trying to win a race here. Uncertainty is part of the human experience. Various factors block our paths and force us to change direction or stagnate. Rather than resisting the course of events, we can remain open to whatever comes. Though circumstances may not feel ideal now, in hindsight, we often realize that they were leading us exactly where we needed to be.
Take care & until next time,
Brina
FUN ANNOUNCEMENTS 💬
I was recently featured in Authority Magazine! I chatted all about tips for landing media coverage as a local or national business. It was the first time I'd done something like this, and it was a huge privilege to discuss a lot of what I've learned the past few years. You can check out the interview here!
Also, last month I said I'd give a little backstory on why I settled on The Tuesday Tapestry as this newsletter's name. For starters: alliteration! But on a deeper level, I wanted something to encapsulate the threads that weave us all together and the seemingly disparate parts of our stories that, collectively, present a colorful and multifaceted picture.
P.S. WELCOME to newest subscribers Sophie, Jo, Maria, Pietro, and Christina!
CONTENT CORNER 🎨
Book (Fiction): The Light We Lost by Jill Santopolo
Book (Nonfiction): How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economyby Jenny Odell
Newsletter: Gratitude Journal by Alex Elle
Song: "Close 2 U" by Raveena (ethereal and soothing)
TV Show: Gentefied (Netflix)
Article: "Work Smarter Not Harder: 7 Ways to Embrace Slow Work" (Career Contessa)
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