"Will I ever be enough?"

Resisting the pressure to incessantly strive in an output-driven society

Photo by Vlad Gedroics on Unsplash

A few weeks ago, I sat next to my living room window, gazing outside at the yellow daisies as they danced in the wind. Sipping my licorice root tea, I rejoiced in not having anywhere to go or any pressing matters to attend to. 

As I savored the quiet moment of contemplation, a powerful thought crossed my mind:

I’m living the life I’ve been dreaming of. A life that — in many ways — my younger self would have been giddy with delight to learn I’d achieved. 

I reflected on the revelation, taking stock of all that made it true. 

My support system showers me with so much love and care. I feel the best I have in years. I’m lucky to have saved enough to take a sabbatical. I possess the freedom to explore new hobbies and reconnect with buried joys. I get to share my writing with a growing and compassionate audience online, and receive heartwarming words of encouragement. I’ve traveled far and wide, meeting incredible humans and learning valuable lessons along the way. 

Life isn’t perfect — there’s still a lot I’m working through, and slowly healing, on many levels. But it’s in a really good place. A place that, even a couple of years ago, seemed unfathomable. That mellow afternoon, I felt genuinely grateful for that. I still do. 

And yet, that didn’t stop the familiar whisper in my ear, rattling me out of my reverie: “You should be doing more.” 

A pang of productivity guilt surged through my system. More, more, more. 

Will I ever be enough?

I recently listened to a recording on Sam Harris’ app, Waking Up (shoutout to my girl Christine for the recommendation!). In it, Harris made a powerful point: once we achieve a goal, the bar simply moves higher, and we find ourselves in this endless cycle of trying to meet these ever-changing standards. 

Harris also says that there will never be a time when we have all that we want. That there will always be more to experience, more to-do list items to tackle. His words stuck with me. 

There’s an undercurrent pulsing through society that jolts us to always be striving, performing, doing. 

Now, ambition in and of itself isn’t bad. It’s healthy to have dreams and desires; to continue growing and evolving. However, many of us, without realizing it, chase empty goals that we believe will bring us what we want: love, acceptance, stability, and so on. We run after dreams that we realize were never our own to begin with; ambitions that don’t bring us closer to these deeper desires, at least not in a lasting sense.

But in recent years, we’ve seen a pushback against this long-standing hustle culture mentality.  People are tired of perpetually hamsterwheeling.

Burnout rates are at an all-time high. 2022 research carried out by Deloitte and Workplace Intelligence found that 43% of workers “always” or “often” felt exhausted, 35% felt overwhelmed, and 23% felt depressed. (I’d be willing to bet these numbers are much higher for certain industries.)

Photo by Hernan Sanchez on Unsplash

Even public figures are reassessing their lifestyles and values.

Last month, the YouTuber Vanessa Lau, who shocked the online creator community with her decision to take a sabbatical in early 2023, shared her reasons for stepping back at the pinnacle of her career. The nagging feeling of not being enough pushed her to continue charging forward. While she looked like she had it all on the outside, her stress became all-consuming. 

Similarly,

Pooja Lakshmin MD

, psychiatrist, author, and writer of the Substack,

Therapy Takeaway

, shared how she’s slowing down her life and implementing her own self-care advice. Last year, two medical emergencies forced her to realize her current pace of living wasn’t sustainable.

I find it reassuring that women as successful as Lau and Lakshmin struggle with feelings of “enoughness” — or a lack thereof. And that they openly discuss these issues. It reminds us that we aren’t alone. 

But it’s also sad that women who’ve attained as much as they have should be made to feel, by societal expectations, woefully inadequate.

Nowadays, we have so many avenues for measuring ourselves against other peoples’ highlights. There’s no shortage of external pressure reminding us of all that we “could” be doing; “should” be doing. 

I believe most of us are aware of the issue, and that we want to change it. But the problem lies in the fact that there’s no clear-cut way to overcome it, at least not one we’re traditionally taught. Especially when we’re so entrenched in the messaging.

It’s like trying to quit alcohol when our closest friends are heavy drinkers. The desire to abstain is there — and it is possible — but the temptation is too tantalizing, keeping us trapped in familiar habits. 

So, what do we do?

As with many issues we face, there’s always a root cause that tends to go unnoticed. When it comes to this feeling of not being enough, so much of it stems from a simple yet complex human desire: to be acknowledged; to be loved. 

We learn to associate acceptance with what we can continue to prove, not who we already are. And this keeps us in this cycle of trying to earn love; of placing our innate value as human beings into the hands of forces beyond ourselves. In this state, contentment sits off in the distance, as we wait for “someday…”

But there is no “someday.” Today is that day. And in each one, there’s beauty to be found. Efforts — big and small — to be appreciated. 

Getting out into nature always allows me to reconnect with that feeling of enoughness.

I’ve been on an ongoing journey to operate from this place of being enough. I now see how much a lack mentality kept me stuck — in toxic workplaces and relationships; in people-pleasing tendencies of saying “yes” to things when I really wanted to say “no” (and then stewing in resentment after). 

I’ve found that this desire to embrace enoughness is an ongoing — perhaps even lifelong — endeavor. Aside from self-compassion practices, I’ve been using affirmations, verbal reminders of how much I already bring to the world; that I don’t have anything to prove — that I am enough just as I am:

“There’s no need to rush. I trust in the timing of things.”

“Life is on my side.”

“The world is better with me in it.”

When we operate from a place of enoughness, we dilute the competitive, cutthroat energy that’s pervasive in many spaces — both online and offline. We embrace the fact that there’s room for all of us, just as we are. We don’t have to earn our lovability. We can simply allow ourselves to “be.” 

As much as we define ourselves by metrics these days — follower counts, salaries, hours worked — numbers can’t encompass our contribution to society. They don’t define our legacy. The experiences we have, the relationships we build, the way we make people feel — these factors do.

I’d like to share a Jon Kabat Zinn quote that’s helped me: “As long as you are breathing, there is more right with you than there is wrong.”

And in case no one’s told you today: YOU ARE ENOUGH. Don’t you forget that.

Until next time,

Brina

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💭 Reflection

What triggers those “not good enough” feelings for you? Why do you think these feelings arise? How can you affirm to yourself — either by taking stock of what you already have, saying an affirmation, or both — that you are enough?

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🎨 Creativity Corner

• Podcast: Chai Break (hosted by Shwetha and Rema, who I had the privilege of meeting here on Substack, this podcast interviews trailblazing South Asian women and normalizes the conversation around mental health — a MUST listen!)

• Song: “Gulon Main Rang” by Ali Sethi (I’ve been exploring — and feeling enchanted by — the world of ghazals, and this one gets better with each listen)

• Book: The Diary of Frida Kahlo: An Intimate Self-Portrait (a fascinating and thought-provoking look into the mind of a phenomenal artist and activist; Frida was truly ahead of her time) 

• Movie: Before Sunrise (a feel-good love story about an American man and a French woman who meet on a train ride in Europe; they decide to stop in Vienna and spend a day together, but as time ticks away, we’re left wondering what will happen to their budding romance when they’re forced to go their separate ways) 

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🐶 Prem’s Thoughts on Being Enough

“Eat, sleep, cuddle, poop, repeat: that’s plenty for me! But I wouldn’t be opposed to more treats and toys, even though my humans say I have way too many…”