It's okay to scale back...

Confessions of a (recovering) overachiever

A much-needed moment of reflection and perspective (taken at the Coachella Valley Vista Point this past March).

I’ve always been an “over” person, going above and beyond, pushed forward by a desire for perfection. While this tendency has shown up most prominently in academic/professional contexts, it’s also manifested in other areas. Relationships. Hobbies. Passion projects. Even random to-do list items like errands and household chores.

Overachieving hasn’t solely been a hindrance. It’s allowed me to dream big and take risks, to do a bit of good in the world. But on the flip side, it’s often led to anxiety, burnout, resentment, and disillusionment. 

Over the past few months, in my journey of learning to operate from a place of enoughness, I’ve caught myself falling back into familiar (but detrimental) patterns. 

For instance, I felt frustrated when I sensed my efforts weren’t being matched within a newer friendship. Random thoughts cycled through my mind. Does the connection not mean anything to them? Are they trying to pull away from me? Am I doing something wrong?

So, I brought it up with my therapist. 

“Is this friend expecting you to put in all this effort?” she asked.

“Well, no…” I said.

“Do you think that pressure is actually coming from yourself?”

I thought about it for a moment. “Yeah… I guess it is.” Some of the heaviness began to dissipate. 

What she said next really stuck with me: “We all have different ways of showing love and showing up. When we expect others to express these feelings in the same way we do, it can set us up for disappointment.” 

Similarly, I was writing a different version of this newsletter a few weeks ago — one that would’ve been far more verbose and research-heavy. I wrestled with my mind to get words out. My chest tightened as the dread of seeing the project through loomed over me. 

Why am I doing this? I thought. I write this newsletter/blog because it brings me joy and purpose, but it had started to feel like work. I’d been hamsterwheeling for over five months, sticking (for the most part) to my twice-monthly publishing schedule and putting more effort into each edition than I ever had. 

It started out as a fun and fulfilling creative pivot, but I had to be honest with myself in admitting that I’d turned it into too much.

What did I think I would get out of doing more? Virality? A massive uptick in subscribers? Clout? And would any of these things help me fulfill my actual goals — getting healthier, deepening my relationships, furthering my creative expression? 

No.

Hanging out with Prem reminds me that there’s so much joy in sitting around and staring up at the sky.

I saw that this instance of overachieving, like the others, stemmed from lack; from feelings that I have to earn acceptance and prove my inherent worthiness as a human being.

That’s all to say I will be putting less pressure on myself when it comes to this blog/newsletter project. I’m here because it’s a fun creative outlet and I enjoy sharing/connecting with you all through it. And I want to keep that focus front of mind. (Interestingly, once I shifted my mindset, this piece ended up writing itself. In one damn sitting nonetheless!)

When I find myself in an overly giving place, I’m working on considering whether it’s coming from a genuine desire to help or a need to prove. And I’m challenging that inner perfectionistic voice that says things “must” be done a certain way… “or else.” 

Or else what? 🤨

This year, I’ve learned the importance of scaling back and having healthy boundaries, even with the things/people I love. The world will not stop spinning if we half-ass an assignment or forego the extra effort when it isn’t necessary. Those who do value us won’t walk away if we respectfully maintain our limits. 

If my own experiences are an indication, doing less in these overachieving areas gives us more of what actually matters. Energy. Emotional bandwidth. Time (which includes time doing absolutely nothing — an important but often overlooked/guilt-ridden concept). 

So, if you’ve found yourself overachieving in some (or several) areas of your life, consider how you might scale back. With the extra time/headspace you gain, what else might you do?

Until next time,

Brina 

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💭 Reflection

Do you consider yourself an overachiever? In what areas, and how does this typically manifest? Where do you think these tendencies come from?

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🎨 Creativity Corner

• Book: Save the Cat! Writes a Novel: The Last Book on Novel Writing You’ll Ever Need by Jessica Brody (the act of plotting a novel can keep so many of us from actually finishing/writing it; this book provides an immensely useful framework to demystify the process)

• Song: “Pain” by PinkPantheress (I just discovered this artist and I love how nostalgic and daydreamy her music is)

• TV Show: Heeramandi: The Diamond Bazaar (set in pre-independence Lahore, this captivating drama series follows the lives of several courtesans in the red-light district of Heera Mandi as tensions towards British rule escalate)

• Meditation: “Let Your Breath Become a Flower” (I usually have a hard time settling into guided meditations, but this one from Raveena Aurora’s album, Asha’s Awakening, is incredibly soothing and has been helping me)