A bittersweet goodbye...
When grief and gratitude collide
I didn’t think saying goodbye would be so hard.
This time would come eventually, of that much I’d always been sure — no one stays at a job forever. Yet the reality of it differed greatly from what I’d envisioned. There was plenty of excitement and anticipation for the next chapter, yes, but also grief and an uncomfortable untetheredness that quickly took hold of my headspace.
Had I really reached the end?
The Beginnings
Last November, I landed my first full-time writing job after freelancing for a couple of years. At the time, I craved stability in my professional life; the chance to work with a company for a while to expand my skillset and collect a steady paycheck.
I enjoyed several aspects of this job. For starters, I witnessed firsthand how the company positively transformed many of its consumers’ lives. I also collaborated on dozens of impactful creative projects (like a billboard ad in Times Square!). I had the privilege of working alongside a global team of talented colleagues and mentoring new team members. Furthermore, I earned more than double what I did as a freelancer. And finally, I didn’t have to commute to and from an office (getting “dressed” for work often meant throwing a sweatshirt over my PJs and calling it day).
However, for various other reasons, the job wasn’t the best long-term fit for me. So, last Friday, I concluded my time with the company after a little over a year there.
(To be clear, all of this is based on my personal experience alone, and is not meant to serve as a representation for anyone else, past or present, within the organization. I should also emphasize that this is not meant to influence anyone’s employment-related decisions, which should always be carefully undertaken based on individual circumstances so as to avoid potential ramifications, including — but not limited to — financial, reputational, and psychological issues.)
Compassion and Camaraderie
In the wake of my resignation, restlessness and eagerness encompassed every crevice of my being, as I’d soon enter the realm of alarm-free mornings and ample downtime, sans Slack notifications and recurring meetings. (I’m in the very fortunate position of being able to take time off before starting another job or returning to freelance/contract work.) I found myself moving through the days with renewed zest and vigor; speaking up in meetings with a sense of self-assuredness that flowed forth with ease. Where did this confidence come from?!
Alongside these positive emotional experiences, though, came a palpable amount of grief. This feeling appeared gradually at first, and then with an unexpected intensity.
With my departure date quickly approaching, I reached out to the nearly 30 people I worked with in varying capacities: to pass along tasks, to wrap up ongoing projects, to say the long-anticipated “goodbye.”
As I sent out Slack messages, notifying my colleagues of my upcoming exit, I was overwhelmed by gratitude. Truthfully, I’d always imagined a swift and straightforward transition. But as my coworkers — some of whom I’d seldom spoken to — extended their outpourings of support, expressed immensely heartfelt words, and sincerely conveyed their hopes to stay in touch/meet in person, I realized that the departure wasn’t as seamless as I’d expected it to be. I also frequently thought of former colleagues who’d left the job before me, and all of the emotional encouragement, laughs, and camaraderie we shared. I didn’t expect to be confronted by such a strong wave of sadness. The final couple of days passed in a blur, and I found it incredibly difficult to focus or get anything done. It felt — and still feels like — a major loss.
Throughout my year with the company, a lot of us leaned on one another, creating a level of vulnerability and understanding that I’d honestly never felt in a professional setting before. We celebrated each other’s wins and offered words of encouragement on difficult days. It was incredibly special.
Grief and Gratitude Can Coexist
I’ve realized that even what’s ultimately the best move — in this case, leaving a job that wasn’t fully aligned with my needs — still hurts.
Though saying goodbye to the team was by far the most difficult part of the departure, other aspects of the job made moving on bittersweet, too. For starters: the pay and health insurance coverage. I’d finally reached a point of self-sufficiency, and it felt wonderful to not have to worry (as much) about finances. There was also the ability to acquire an array of useful skills in a short amount of time, given that everyone wore multiple hats.
The job also confirmed to me that, under the right conditions, I really do derive a lot of passion and purpose from creating, collaborating, mentoring, and building relationships.
Ultimately, I came to terms with the fact that I’d been over-relying on work to fill an ongoing void in meaningful connection and belonging. Moving forward, I’m going focus on bringing more of that uplifting interaction and quality time with others into my non-professional life. And I want to devote ample time to other forms of fulfillment — hobbies, exercise, volunteering, etc. — outside of work.
While I’m still grappling with the grief and other heavy emotions of this situation, I do feel a lot more confident overall. I’ve gained a newfound clarity around what matters in life, as well as an awareness of what to seek in future professional settings. I’m not 100% sure what's next, hence the untetheredness, but I’m going to try and savor this time of stillness and non-striving.
Goodbyes Don’t Get Easier With Time
Finally, I’ve been thinking a lot about goodbyes as a whole, and how they never get easier despite their inevitability in various stages of life. For instance, we know that we won’t be in high school and college forever, but these are among the most difficult transition periods. Our social lives get upended, and we’re forced to recalibrate ourselves in the midst of countless uncertainties.
Similarly, I’ve felt this same grief-gratitude conundrum in other pivotal moments of my life — most often when parting ways with new friends while studying, volunteering, or traveling abroad. These goodbyes are a natural part of life; of the necessary transitions and pivots that allow us to grow. We may not see or speak to the people with whom we shared the special memories very frequently (in certain cases, we may have lost touch altogether). However, the bonds, memories, trials, and triumphs elicit these warm and fuzzy feelings, coupled with a desire to turn back the clock and experience those joyous moments all over again.
Goodbyes are like a trust fall, in some ways. Letting go can be painfully difficult, unsettling even, but it may also open doors we’d never even dreamed of entering. With hindsight, we tend to receive the clarity that evades us when circumstances are still fresh.
So, if you’re in a similar transitional period — or you will be soon — know that you’re most definitely not alone. Allow yourself to exist in this middle space between grief and gratitude. Feel whatever comes up. Appreciate the special moments while also acknowledging how much you’ll miss them. And ultimately, remember that they’ll still be a part of you — shaping your worldview, your values, and your future desires.
Until next time,
Brina
🌹Reflection
When was the last time you willingly left something (or someone) behind? What feelings did it stir up in you, and what helped you move forward?
How did this particular goodbye change your overall outlook on life?
🎨 Content Corner
Song: “waves” by Miguel and Tame Impala (a catchy collab between two phenomenal artists)
Book: Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World by Cal Newport (an enlightening read on how to protect your time and headspace to get more done)
YouTube Video: “She’s the World’s Shortest Woman (Jyoti Amge)” by Drew Binsky (very cute and heartwarming)
Newsletter: Former SNL cast member, Melissa Villaseñor, sends out a quirky life update every week and shares her latest artwork (all infused with her signature humor!)
Article: “I’m A Matchmaker and Here Are 4 Things That Helped Me Find Love” by Julie Nguyen (there are a lot of fresh perspectives in this VerywellMind piece)