Why is it so hard to let go? 🌬️
A reflection on the all-consuming nature of uncertainty
Uncertainty is one of the most fearful and frustrating experiences in this human existence. Yet — alongside change — it’s one of the only guarantees we have.
Despite its pervasive presence in our lives, why are we so bad at coping with it?
I’ve spent many nights lying awake, tossing and turning, conjuring up every possible outcome in attempt to convince myself that I have some semblance of control — while waiting for the results of a medical procedure, the night before a big exam, after an unpleasant interaction with another person. (“Should I have said that? Are they mad at me? I could’ve been more considerate… Ugh!”)
Such rumination feels productive in the moment. It feels as if we’re effectively handling whichever uncertainty we’re grappling with. But then we wake up the next morning, brain fog and bloodshot eyes the only things we have to show for the mental gymnastics we engaged in the night before.
Our brains were designed to keep us safe. This tendency to overthink and overanalyze is deeply embedded into our consciousness. Thousands of years ago, this evolutionarily programming served us well, saving us from bloodthirsty predators and pushing us into action to avoid famine or harsh weather conditions.
Nowadays, we’re up against two challenges: we have far more trivial worries than our ancestors did, but we also have many more pressing worries — concerns that send us into that “fight-or-flight” panicked state for much longer than our bodies were designed to handle. We still fall back on this survival instinct, largely to our own detriment.
Still, the need for control and closure is very real. And not having these needs met can be downright agonizing. Letting go is not as simple as just stuffing these feelings down and moving on.
I’m realizing that there’s a fine balance that we need to strike — a balance between striving and surrendering. Striving to take action over what we can control (i.e., apologizing if we’ve been in the wrong, preparing as much as we’re able for a test) and surrendering to whatever else lies beyond our capacity to change.
It’s often hard to know which course of action to take. I’ve found that I have to get outside my head a little bit; to step away from the immediacy of the present and give myself a bit of distance from the inner chatter.
Here are a few things I’ve found to be helpful when my thoughts feel like a tsunami I’m trying to outrun.
Journaling: I’ve realized that my thoughts lose a lot of their power when I put them into words. Problems that felt all-consuming loosen their hold over me and I’m able to acknowledge how silly or inconsequential they are. Try putting your thoughts to the page (this is especially helpful to do before bed so you can clear your mind!) and notice what shifts in your headspace. There’s a lightness that journaling can offer, and I think it often goes unappreciated.
Talking it out: It’s too easy to get wrapped up in our problems and magnify them. When this happens, we tend to swim around in the same murky thoughts, our perspective losing clarity until we’re unable to discern fact from fiction. Turn to a couple of people whose judgment you trust and share your worries with them. Much of the time, they’re able to see gaps in our thinking or call us out on our distorted thought patterns.
Asking myself if it’ll matter in five years: There’s that old saying, “If it won’t matter in five years, don’t spend more than five minutes thinking about it.” While I think it’s a bit oversimplified (five hours — or days — is more realistic, right?!), I see value in its underlying message. A lot of what we worry about feels so urgent because we’re living through it. We don’t have the hindsight to look back and realize, “Huh, I stressed myself out for nothing.” If the problem at hand won’t have a significant impact on your life five years down the road, give yourself permission to loosen your reins on the outcome.
We’re all going to face uncertainties throughout life. While it can feel more instinctual to cling onto them — to allow them to consume every crevice of our minds — we’re not doing ourselves any favors. Instead, we can learn to face them and view them from different perspectives; to gradually distance ourselves.
If you’re in the thick of things right now, remember that all the difficult moments will pass. You’re capable of getting through each and every one.
Take care and until next time,
Brina
🌹Tuesday Tapestry Reflection:
Think of something (or someone) you’ve had a hard time letting go of lately. Why has this situation or person stirred up these feelings in you? What impact do you think this situation or person will have on your life five years from now? How can you begin to let go just a little bit?
👋🏽 Welcome!
… to newest subscribers Courtney, Julie, Dara, Nickolas, and Anai. Happy to have you all along for the journey!
🎨 Content Corner
Ebook: My friend Dimple put together this spectacular guide to Kerala — get your hands on it for can’t-miss activities, budget-friendly accommodation tips, stunning photos, vetted travel itinerary, and lots more!
Song: I swear, every time I listen to 311’s “Amber,” all of life’s problems momentarily melt away
YouTube video: Hilarious but thought-provoking insights on the whole concept of work
Book: Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto by Tricia Hersey (a powerful pushback against our productivity-obsessed culture and a call-to-action for more downtime — count me in!)
Documentary: Wham! (on Netflix) has convinced me that “Careless Whisper” is, indeed, one of the musical masterpieces of the last century
Article: “I’m Convinced the Cure for Loneliness Is More Surface-Level Friendships” (honestly, I was skeptical when I saw the title, but she makes a valid point)