30 lessons learned in 30 years
Post-birthday reflections on entering a new decade, plus some throwback photos
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This past Sunday, I turned 30.
A looming anticipation has lingered throughout the last year; a mix of anxious “ohmygosh WTF am I doing with my life” thoughts and bubbling excitement for the decade ahead. It seems as if nothing’s changed, yet… everything has changed.
In my 20s, I was lucky enough to experience many major wins, but also accumulated my fair share of disastrous f***-ups. I feel like I’ve lived many micro-lives within this continuous one; little subplots that contribute to the larger story.
My birthday always reminds me of how much love I have in my life, and what a big blessing it is. In the day-to-day minutiae, it’s easy to lose sight of this fact.
I tend to get very reflective during this time — looking back at photos, journaling, setting new goals, savoring more solitude. For the past few months, I’ve been thinking about the biggest lessons I’ve learned throughout my lifetime, and felt compelled to share them here.
Whatever decade you happen to be in, I hope you’ll find pieces that resonate.
1. There’s something special about friends with whom you can go months — years, even — without seeing or speaking to, yet pick up right where you left off. Despite going your different ways, you still share a sacred bond and feel safe opening up about the scary things. Cherish and nurture these friendships.
2. On the other hand, many friendships will come to an end. Some naturally fade, particularly those that were seasonal (school-related, work-related, or connected to a specific chapter of life). Others will result in friendship breakups, due to misunderstandings or toxic behavior. Though it hurts in the moment, moving on from these relationships will be much better for you in the long run. You deserve people in your life who uplift you, not drain you.
3. Wear earplugs at concerts, music festivals, and nightclubs!
4. Being perfect doesn’t make you relatable. Embrace the messiness of life and get vulnerable about your struggles. That’s when you pave the way for deeper, more meaningful connections.
5. Exciting, mysterious, emotionally unavailable romantic partners feel thrilling in the short term. But then the high eventually fades and you’ll wind up frustrated, hurt, and confused. Choose romantic partners who provide security and safety, not those who keep you on an endless emotional roller coaster.
6. Ask for — and accept — help when you need it.
7. Timelines are arbitrary. Societal pressures make us feel like we “must” be married, homeowners, parents, at certain career points, etc., by a particular age. Everyone moves at their own pace. It’s okay to not want some (or all) of these things.
8. Not everyone will like you. Certain people will be quite forthright about it, which can hurt. But you’re not meant for everyone. Trying to win everybody’s approval is downright exhausting and keeps you from devoting your energy to those who accept you, just as you are.
9. No job is worth your mental health or overall well-being. A toxic job will leave you demoralized, disillusioned, and depressed. Some red flags are obvious: if your feedback isn’t taken seriously, if a boss has unrealistic expectations, or if there’s a lot of vagueness around the job duties in the interview process. If you feel like something’s off, trust your gut and get out of there as soon as you’re able. Work-life balance should be a given.
10. Laugh! As much as you can, as hard as you can. Keep a folder of funny videos to watch when you need a pick-me-up. A few minutes of laughter can make the biggest, seemingly insurmountable problems turn into manageable trivialities.
11. Cry when you need to. It does not make you weak.
12. Travel — as far, wide, and long as you have the means to. Leave room for spontaneous experiences that don’t show up in guidebooks. Live in a different country for a while if it’s feasible. Aim to meet local people and slow down your travel pace to really get a feel of the place. You’ll learn so much about life, and you’ll develop a deep, impenetrable connection to humanity that changes the way you move through the world.
13. Get comfortable with your own company. Don’t always wait for someone else to enjoy an experience with. There’s profound joy in going on solo adventures, and you might end up meeting wonderful people in the process.
14. There will never be a time when you “have it all figured out,” which is a refreshing reminder that the stakes aren’t as high as we perceive them to be.
15. There’s nothing wrong with having an illness: mental, physical, or both. Or, for that matter, any other experience — related to divorce, infertility, sexual orientation, gender, and so on — that is still heavily stigmatized in society and certain cultures. Your lived experiences and identities are valid. People will try to shame you into thinking there’s something wrong with you, but it has more to say about their own fears/insecurities than you.
16. Learning doesn’t end once you leave school. Read books. Pick up an instrument that’s always fascinated you. Experiment with different recipes. Study a language you’ve always been interested in. You’re never too old to pursue your passions and acquire new knowledge.
17. Forgive yourself. You didn’t know any better then, and the fact that you feel remorse/regret shows how much you’ve grown since.
18. Let go of grudges and repair any relationships that can be repaired. Carrying around those heavy emotions is a merciless burden that only holds you back.
19. Not every rule is meant to be followed. Question everything. Push the boundaries of “normal.”
20. Keep a kindness album of sweet texts, DMs, and emails people have sent you. When you’re having an especially crappy day, these will remind you of how loved you are.
21. Prioritize your sleep! All-nighters and getting by on three or four hours may have cut it back in college, but the crankiness and brain fog aren’t worth it anymore.
22. Don’t spend so much time on your online life that you neglect your offline one.
23. Intentionally weave silence into your day. No screens, no noise. Just you, your thoughts, and whatever sounds happen to be around. This might just lead to that creative breakthrough you’ve been waiting for...
24. Families come in many forms.
25. Heal your wounds. What you don’t acknowledge and work through, you’ll end up projecting onto someone else, which can sabotage your relationships and ambitions. Go to therapy. Attend a support group. Communicate openly with loved ones. Do what it takes to stop perpetuating the “hurt people hurt people” cycle.
26. Learn to say “no.” You will run yourself to the ground and simmer in a boiling pot of resentment if you don’t get clear on your boundaries and uphold them.
27. When a task seems overwhelming, tackle it in the tiniest steps possible. (And reward yourself after!)
28. Trust your doctor, but always advocate for yourself if you feel like your needs aren’t being met. Get a second opinion. Do your own research (but avoid Reddit rabbit holes — nothing good comes from those!) and discuss other approaches you’d like to try if they haven’t been mentioned. The doctor-patient relationship works both ways.
29. There’s a fine balance between serving others and making sure you aren’t overextending yourself.
30. Honor your inner child. Play! Be silly! Do things you used to love doing as a kid. Dance, color, sit on the swings. Adulting is stressful. Squeeze a bit of fun into each day to decompress the pressures.
💭 Reflection
What are some of the biggest lessons you’ve learned recently, or throughout the last decade of your life? If you could go back in time and give your younger self a piece of advice, what would it be?
🎨 Creativity Corner
YouTube Video: “why you need a third place” by amandamaryanna (a thought-provoking exploration of “third places” and the role they play in modern social connection and community integration)
Playlist: “80s LoFi” (Michelle Ward played this for us in a recent Creative Mornings Virtual FieldTrip, and it’s perfect for when you need to mellow out)
Documentary: Writing With Fire (this empowering Oscar-nominated documentary follows the journalists of Khabar Lahariya, India’s only female- and Dalit-run news agency, as they report on the country’s biggest challenges and tackle long-standing stigmas)
🐶 Prem’s Thoughts on Birthdays
“Even if my humans make me wear this silly hat, my birthday means I get more toys (that I’ll abandon the next day) and a fancy cookie thing (that I’m way too cool to eat). Sounds like a fun time to me!”
This was such a lovely read. Happy birthday!
Belated happy 30th, Brina! Aging is a privilege. I resonated with all of your lessons, but #9 really resonated with me because I just left a full-time job. Cheers to a new decade 🥂