Who are you, really?
Reconnecting with the parts of ourselves that hustle culture tries to take away
A few weeks ago, I went to a dance.
This wasn’t one of those awkward middle school-style dances where everyone stands around in little cliques and bobs their heads to top 40 tunes (glad those days are over!). Nor was it a boozy nightclub outing.
No, no.
This was another type of dance entirely. Goddess Night Out, the organizers of the event, describe it as, “A monthly dance night for women to tap into their divine feminine energy and unleash their power!” With a tagline like that, you don’t have to ask me twice.
My friend Janette and I showed up at the tucked-away studio in East Sacramento, joining 30 or so fellow attendees on a wooden dance floor. Soft purple light bounced around the room and a pervasive sense of anticipation permeated the air.
We all formed a circle. Everyone went around, one at a time, busting out a dance move of their choice, which the rest of us copied (or attempted to, at least). The DJ then began playing old and new hits by an array of female artists — Tina Turner, Gwen Stefani, Doja Cat, Kali Uchis — to set the mood.
The dance floor was ours, and the next two hours passed in a blissful blur. Aside from remaining substance-free and phone-free, there were no rules. You could move however you felt compelled. One woman even started doing push-ups (with perfect form, might I add).
For the first time in months, I felt my body truly relax into the space I inhabited. It felt as if I were time-traveling, mentally journeying back to the days when I performed on stage. I’d been a dancer throughout most of my childhood and teenage years, and, just like then, I found myself in a similar state of presence, self-expression, and euphoria.
I could’ve easily spent several more hours on that dance floor. The entire drive home, I couldn’t stop smiling.
At the time, I didn’t know how desperately I needed this dance. The freedom, nonjudgment, and guilt-free fun entered my soul and shifted something deep within me that night. All I could think was, “Damn, something has to change.”
A Little Backstory
The past three years, I've been in nonstop grind mode, driven by a largely self-imposed desire to achieve and build a reputation based on outward success.
Reflecting on the reasons behind this steadfast striving, two factors stand out. After college, I lived a fairly nomadic lifestyle for about a year. I subsequently bounced around from one career path to the next, never quite satisfied with where I ended up.
I also took a couple of years to focus solely on health issues that came up in 2019, and didn’t have a job during this period. After deciding I wanted to pivot into a more creative field, I made my way into the world of writing.
Even then, the nagging voice in my mind constantly reminded me that I was late to the game. That I had to make up for lost time and prove myself. So, that’s what I did — throwing myself head first into freelancing, and later into my current full-time role. In the process, I’ve put up with overly demanding clients, ignored red flags, and allowed my boundaries and values to be encroached upon — all in the name of constructing an image of myself as a competent, capable professional.
I’ve always been an overachiever and a perfectionist. However, I've come to realize that these traits have mostly resulted in massive amounts of anxiety and self-doubt.
The prevailing cultural norms, especially here in the U.S., are very work-oriented and generally glorify corporate enmeshment. Girl Bosses and Tech Bros convince us that if we just keep pushing, we’ll eventually reach some promised land. But at what cost? Most often it’s the sacrifice of our health and much our precious humanity. There’s a pervasive respect for “busyness” and a disdain for downtime. These sentiments are only amplified with a South Asian upbringing, where you’re constantly seeing examples of people succeeding in their respective fields.
Furthermore, with over 36 billion views on the #Techtok hashtag and hundreds of “work day in my life” YouTube videos, it’s no wonder why so many of us wind up in this “live to work” cycle. The message, implicitly or explicitly, is everywhere.
This year, I’ve realized how unhealthy my relationship with work has become. When I’m not working, a majority of the time, I’m thinking about work. At one point, everything had to be tied to an outcome; I no longer enjoyed things for their own sake.
I’m understanding that not everything we do in life has to have a tangible result. Allowing ourselves to simply exist and savor special moments shouldn’t conjure up so much guilt.
Yet for many of us, it does.
A New Way Forward
Unhappy with how much of my identity had become entwined with work, I turned to my therapist for help.
She recommended a fun exercise. “Write your name in the middle of a blank sheet of paper. Then, around it, list everything that makes you who you are — your interests, your goals, your relationships, and so on. Notice how little of it has to do with work.”
Over two dozen words flowed out: friend, daughter, sister, writer, reader, traveler, artist, Indian, American. I even added “dancer” because, well, why not?
I plan to continue dancing; in fact, I attended a Zumba class last week.
I’ve also shifted the focus of this newsletter, and my content in general. I’ve really missed creative writing, and as much as I enjoy sharing tips about freelancing, marketing, content creation, etc., it just doesn’t feel as aligned.
I also want to dedicate more time to true relaxation; time to simply “be” and not “do” (and learn to not feel guilty about it!).
At this point, I don’t care about climbing any corporate ladders or having a fancy job title. I want work to serve as a means to enjoy other aspects of life.
Work shouldn’t overshadow all other aspects of our identity. Nor should it leave us so drained and depleted that we have little to give to anything or anyone else.
Prioritize the things in life that make you feel like… you. Work can certainly be a part of the equation, but it shouldn’t be everything. Measure your fulfillment not in the deadlines you meet or the to-do list items you check off, but in the small joys and moments that make you feel truly alive.
Take care and until next time,
Brina
🌹Tuesday Tapestry Reflection
Try the identity exercise for yourself. Grab a pen and a piece of paper, write your name in the middle of the sheet, and see what comes up.
Which aspects of your identity have you been neglecting? What can you do to honor these sides of yourself and give them the attention they deserve?
👋🏽 Welcome!
… to newest subscribers Hannah, Shivani, Dana, Cynthia, Lakshmi, and D. I’m thrilled to have you all along for the journey!
🎨 Content Corner
YouTube Video: Why the world is currently facing a friendship recession
Song: “Misery Moon” by Luna Li
Podcast Episode: “What Happens When You Begin Questioning Everything?” (from Nathaniel Drew’s No Backup Plan)
Book: The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman
Movie: Frida (Salma Hayek does a phenomenal job of portraying the esteemed Mexican painter — a true gem of a film)
Blog Post: Ever heard of a wedding dog chaperone? It’s a thing! In this interview spoke to Abigayle, who owns Dog of Honor Event Specialists, about how she built a successful niche side business.
Newsletter: no one asked by jordan santos