school friend break up. Not sure which way it’ll ultimately go but for now it’s not in a good place. I’m trying to figure out if it was toxic or we just grew apart. I suppose that’s, in itself, a form of toxicity. Great post!
So sorry you're dealing with a friend breakup yourself, Lisa. But it sounds like you're taking the steps to address the issue, and I hope it comes to a healthy resolution. Thank you for reading!
I'm proud of you for writing this and everything you did prior to cutting ties with Leah. That's strength and not easy to do. So well said, so glad I read this. I'm going through a similar breakup after 30+ years of friendship.
Thanks for the support, Chris! I'm sorry you're dealing with a platonic breakup, as well. Hope you are able to come to a healthy resolution with things.
I also resonate with your essay, Brina. It seems impossible to break up, especially with a childhood or longtime friend. In my case, we grew apart and developed different sets of values. We also healed our wounds in different timeframes. These 2 aspects made me see that, as much as I care for her, we need to platonically separate. It's a tough one, especially that some people say close friendships can be even more important than romantic partnerships.
Writing about it helps, doesn't it? I also wrote an essay about the moment when I felt us ending our 25 year friendship...
Thanks for reading and sharing your own experience, Monica. I can only imagine what it's like to end a friendship that's lasted 25 years. It's hard to keep things going when we undergo so many changes and end up as vastly different people, but I'm glad you made the best choice for yourself. Writing does help with the healing process immensely. I would love to read your essay!
Yes, I think it's wisest to just let yourself flow on the waves of life, and if we flow adrift from one another, then that's what is the most suitable.
I feel like I just read my own toxic friendship story 🥺
I used to have a Leah in my life, too; zero boundaries, lovebombing, gaslighting.. she lived with a toxic family as well. It bothered me so much how she can be insensitive to me just because she can, but whenever I'm frank (which I rarely do), she gets to play the victim card 💀
It took me 3 years to wake up and finally realize that I cannot be her energy giver, listener, and emotional punching bag forever. I couldn't walk on eggshells anymore and stay for another 3 years so they can change for the better. That's more of their job, not ours.
I have a long list of bad relationships (platonic and romantic) before and after her, too. But ours was the worst of all and left me with so much turmoil. I was her supply all along.
I'm so proud of you for getting out before the damage was done! Even more proud for going to therapy (which I also did ☺️) to address and work on our own traumas/patterns, so that we can attract the right people and relationships. Writing about it/her also helped me heal, forgive myself, and move forward. I'm glad that my friendships today are healthier.
Always protect your precious energy and happiness, Brina! To more healthy friendships 🥂
Aww Sab, I appreciate you sharing that with me. I'm so sorry you've had a similar experience! It's a lot, and you're right that it's their job to change -- we can't do that for them. Healing is so hard, but I'm glad to hear you've been on a similar journey of moving forward and finding friendships that support you. Yes, to more healthy friendships! ❤️
I really appreciate your reflection on your own contributions to the relationship. This sounds like a great opportunity to explore what’s called the drama triangle and help to identify the roles we play in life.
I also think it could be beneficial to also have conversations about how to stay in relationships while setting boundaries.
We live in a world now where “ghosting” is a theme and all to common, people are finding any slight offense to abandon each other. Relationships are now frail and carry little weight. But yet, relationships are the bread and butter of life. Without relationships, what is life?
But yet, we rotate relationships, never grasping onto something real or meaningful. What would it mean to be uncomfortable with a friend, and resolve the differences? How rewarding it would feel to have conflict and know you are still valuable and loved, instead of being shamed and discarded.
Social media has brought the opportunity of an abundance of shallow friendships that make it easy to replace friendships that might have later been very meaningful.
In your post you wrote a text to your friend, maybe it was best to be said in person, but either way, it was courageous of you as many people wouldn’t bother with trying to communicate with their friend. And when we ignore instead of discuss how another person is making us feel, or if boundaries are not established, then relationships cannot bloom or grow. By discussing how you were feeling, you gave her the opportunity to reflect if what you shared might have effected other relationships in her life and if it was something she might want to work on so that she could improve her relationships with others and ultimately have a better life because of your bravery. I would caution people of waiting 2 years. This is way too long to wait to discuss boundaries with a friend, and like you said, by time it came out it was pent up, could it been possible it came out harsh than? So working on openly communicating early is great, while also being mindful of being on the opposite end, of openly accepting another persons bravery to speak to you. Maybe they won’t say it right, but we can acknowledge they are trying, and when they are trying, they care. They haven’t given up.
So many people today are offering the suggestion, when to give up on others so to say, I’d love to see more articles on how to stay and not give up on each other. But all in all, many good points, and good self reflection
I’m currently grappling with an old
school friend break up. Not sure which way it’ll ultimately go but for now it’s not in a good place. I’m trying to figure out if it was toxic or we just grew apart. I suppose that’s, in itself, a form of toxicity. Great post!
So sorry you're dealing with a friend breakup yourself, Lisa. But it sounds like you're taking the steps to address the issue, and I hope it comes to a healthy resolution. Thank you for reading!
I'm proud of you for writing this and everything you did prior to cutting ties with Leah. That's strength and not easy to do. So well said, so glad I read this. I'm going through a similar breakup after 30+ years of friendship.
Thanks for the support, Chris! I'm sorry you're dealing with a platonic breakup, as well. Hope you are able to come to a healthy resolution with things.
Thanks Brina!
Keep up the great work. I'm a big fan.
I also resonate with your essay, Brina. It seems impossible to break up, especially with a childhood or longtime friend. In my case, we grew apart and developed different sets of values. We also healed our wounds in different timeframes. These 2 aspects made me see that, as much as I care for her, we need to platonically separate. It's a tough one, especially that some people say close friendships can be even more important than romantic partnerships.
Writing about it helps, doesn't it? I also wrote an essay about the moment when I felt us ending our 25 year friendship...
Thanks for reading and sharing your own experience, Monica. I can only imagine what it's like to end a friendship that's lasted 25 years. It's hard to keep things going when we undergo so many changes and end up as vastly different people, but I'm glad you made the best choice for yourself. Writing does help with the healing process immensely. I would love to read your essay!
Yes, I think it's wisest to just let yourself flow on the waves of life, and if we flow adrift from one another, then that's what is the most suitable.
Sure, here is my own essay on the same topic: https://monicanastase.substack.com/p/closing-the-gap-chapter-4-prague
I feel like I just read my own toxic friendship story 🥺
I used to have a Leah in my life, too; zero boundaries, lovebombing, gaslighting.. she lived with a toxic family as well. It bothered me so much how she can be insensitive to me just because she can, but whenever I'm frank (which I rarely do), she gets to play the victim card 💀
It took me 3 years to wake up and finally realize that I cannot be her energy giver, listener, and emotional punching bag forever. I couldn't walk on eggshells anymore and stay for another 3 years so they can change for the better. That's more of their job, not ours.
I have a long list of bad relationships (platonic and romantic) before and after her, too. But ours was the worst of all and left me with so much turmoil. I was her supply all along.
I'm so proud of you for getting out before the damage was done! Even more proud for going to therapy (which I also did ☺️) to address and work on our own traumas/patterns, so that we can attract the right people and relationships. Writing about it/her also helped me heal, forgive myself, and move forward. I'm glad that my friendships today are healthier.
Always protect your precious energy and happiness, Brina! To more healthy friendships 🥂
Aww Sab, I appreciate you sharing that with me. I'm so sorry you've had a similar experience! It's a lot, and you're right that it's their job to change -- we can't do that for them. Healing is so hard, but I'm glad to hear you've been on a similar journey of moving forward and finding friendships that support you. Yes, to more healthy friendships! ❤️
I really appreciate your reflection on your own contributions to the relationship. This sounds like a great opportunity to explore what’s called the drama triangle and help to identify the roles we play in life.
I also think it could be beneficial to also have conversations about how to stay in relationships while setting boundaries.
We live in a world now where “ghosting” is a theme and all to common, people are finding any slight offense to abandon each other. Relationships are now frail and carry little weight. But yet, relationships are the bread and butter of life. Without relationships, what is life?
But yet, we rotate relationships, never grasping onto something real or meaningful. What would it mean to be uncomfortable with a friend, and resolve the differences? How rewarding it would feel to have conflict and know you are still valuable and loved, instead of being shamed and discarded.
Social media has brought the opportunity of an abundance of shallow friendships that make it easy to replace friendships that might have later been very meaningful.
In your post you wrote a text to your friend, maybe it was best to be said in person, but either way, it was courageous of you as many people wouldn’t bother with trying to communicate with their friend. And when we ignore instead of discuss how another person is making us feel, or if boundaries are not established, then relationships cannot bloom or grow. By discussing how you were feeling, you gave her the opportunity to reflect if what you shared might have effected other relationships in her life and if it was something she might want to work on so that she could improve her relationships with others and ultimately have a better life because of your bravery. I would caution people of waiting 2 years. This is way too long to wait to discuss boundaries with a friend, and like you said, by time it came out it was pent up, could it been possible it came out harsh than? So working on openly communicating early is great, while also being mindful of being on the opposite end, of openly accepting another persons bravery to speak to you. Maybe they won’t say it right, but we can acknowledge they are trying, and when they are trying, they care. They haven’t given up.
So many people today are offering the suggestion, when to give up on others so to say, I’d love to see more articles on how to stay and not give up on each other. But all in all, many good points, and good self reflection