The 4 biggest things I'm (un)learning
Shedding the narratives that no longer serve us
One of the most beautiful aspects of this human existence is our capacity for continuous evolution and reinvention.
As we navigate our unique paths — with their struggles, setbacks, and successes — we encounter an endless array of learning opportunities. And just as important as this learning, I would argue, is the simultaneous chance to unlearn — to let go of what holds us back.
Undoing and unraveling these tightly-wound beliefs feels liberating. There’s a palpable sense of lightness that comes with stepping out of old ways of being and stepping into newer, healthier ones. I recently sat down to reflect on the biggest “unlearnings” in my own life, and found four major themes, which I’ve shared here. Perhaps some will resonate with you.
Huge thanks to
from cuídate for inspiring this post!1. I’m unlearning the idea that doing less equates to laziness.
In today’s world, we’re overshadowed by an ever-present sense of time scarcity. Many of us cram every waking moment with commitments, seldom pausing to consider why we’ve taken them on in the first place. And this frenetic pace at which we operate is glorified. As this New York Times writer says, “People wear ‘busyness’ like a badge of honor.” If you don’t have a jam-packed social calendar and seven side hustles, then what the heck are you even doing?!
I’m realizing, though, how essential peace of mind is — and how it’s typically the first sacrifice we make in pursuit of “busyness.”
We each have a finite amount of energy to give. Selectively saying “no” to certain commitments means saying “yes” to downtime and the activities that replenish us.
Staying true to ourselves amid the persistent pull of FOMO is tough. I still find myself lured into the productivity trap more frequently than I’d like, yet I realize now that it offers little long-term value.
Taking breaks or opting out of nonessential tasks doesn’t mean you’re lazy. It’s an act of resistance to push back against our output-oriented culture. You are not a machine. You weren’t designed to be on the go all the time. Do less, let yourself rest. Scaling back isn’t selfish — it gives you the power to focus your time and energy where it matters.
2. I’m unlearning the tendency to get attached too easily.
One of the central principles of Buddhism — an idea that’s stuck with me since I first came across it — is that attachment leads to suffering. If we look close enough, we’ll find that many of our biggest stressors arise from attachment. For example, we may over-identify with a relationship, a job title, or even a dream, but experience intense emotional anguish when circumstances change.
I’ve always struggled with attachment — to people, to sentimental objects, to dreams and desires. This makes it very difficult when these relationships, experiences, and expectations come to an end. At times, I’ve often felt like I’ve lost a bit of myself. It’s scary and disorienting.
Cultivating a healthy level of detachment is perhaps one of the most difficult endeavors in life (and to be clear, I have by no means mastered the art of it… yet). There are so many things to which we can readily attach ourselves these days. This ease of attachment has only been perpetuated by the rise of social media, constantly reminding us all of the things we “should” be, own, strive for, etc.
However, the things, people, and outcomes to which we attach ourselves are transient. Change is all we can guarantee during our time here. So, step back and let things ebb and flow at their own pace. Situations can unfold much better than we imagined when we allow ourselves this distance.
3. I’m unlearning the need to be liked by everyone.
Here’s what I’ve learned about people-pleasing, as a (recovering!) people-pleaser: when we live to make others happy, we wash away our authenticity. We grow accustomed to appeasing others to the point of never learning what we truly want. Also, we end up feeling resentful for agreeing to do things we don’t want to do.
Real talk: some people, no matter how far back we bend to accommodate their needs and wishes, won’t like us. Period.
Much of the time, people disliking us boils down to: 1) jealousy or low self-esteem, or 2) completely different values in life. That is, factors beyond our control. The energy poured into getting others to like us has far better potential elsewhere — creating art, caring for ourselves, cooking a tasty meal, even completing chores (seriously!).
I believe that if certain people dislike you (and you haven’t, you know, murdered anybody or just been a huge jerk), that means you’re doing something right. It means you’re brave enough to act and speak in ways that align with you, even if others disagree. And that, to me, is really living.
4. I’m unlearning the desire for perfection.
Here’s the thing about perfectionism. You think you’re doing yourself a favor by getting everything just right — by double-, triple-, quadruple-checking every last detail. However, this obsession with flawlessness only leads to unnecessary stress and anxiety.
I’ve been held to really high standards all my life, and have also self-imposed many of these long-standing expectations as an adult. Oh, and since we just discussed control, I’ve always had a need for that, too. Perfectionism offers an illusion of being in charge.
But to be human is to be flawed. Our ability to relate to others — to truly connect with them — lies in our weaknesses, shortcomings, and vulnerabilities.
There are situations in which precision is paramount (surgery! driving!). But for the vast majority of the tasks we encounter, “good enough” is, well, good enough.
One Step at a Time…
Unlearning is a process, and we’ll continue to slip up and revert back to old ways every now and then. But change — lasting, meaningful change — takes time. Pushing back against societal norms, internal belief systems, and generational patterns is hard work, and should be acknowledged as such.
Wherever you find yourself, keep (un)learning, and know that your efforts will pave the way for a more empowered future, both for yourself and those around you.
Take care and until next time,
Brina
🌹Tuesday Tapestry Reflection
What narratives are you currently unlearning? Where do you think these beliefs came from, and how have they impacted you over the years?
👋🏽 Welcome!
… to newest subscribers Dawne, David, Nicholas, Shannon, Colin, Annie, Alysse, Denise, and Jamie. Happy to have you all along for the journey!
🎨 Content Corner
Book: All the Gold Stars: Reimagining Ambition and the Ways We Strive by Rainesford Stauffer (an eye-opening read that examines the downsides of relentless striving and challenges us to redefine what ambition truly means)
Song: “Kusanagi” by Odesza (if any combination of sounds could perfectly encapsulate nostalgia, this would be it)
Podcast Episode: “The Price of Distraction” on Making Sense With Sam Harris (an intriguing exploration of the costs of multitasking, and how “digital medicine” can help us reclaim our ability to focus)
Documentary: Our Universe (stunning visuals and backstories about how our planet and universe came to be — awe-inspiring, to say the least!)
Article: “Want to make more friends? Start a club.” (Vox)